Approachable ≠ Casual: Don’t Fumble the First Impression

Why your DM might be the reason you're not getting mentorship and how to fix it.

Somewhere between TikTok, Instagram, and your favorite medfluencer, the line between admiration and over-familiarity has gotten blurry. Social media can create a false sense of familiarity, making it easy to forget that admiration doesn’t equal a relationship. It might feel natural to casually reach out to someone you’ve followed for years, but casual doesn’t always cut it, especially when you're seeking meaningful mentorship or professional guidance.

Let’s be clear: just because you’re sliding into someone’s DMs doesn’t mean you’re not reaching out to a resident or attending physician. That title means something. It’s a role people work hard to earn, and—spoiler alert—it’s the role you likely want to be in someday. So yes, first impressions matter. While grace is often extended when students make missteps, that grace won’t always be there when you need it most. For URiM students in particular, the margin for error is narrower—first impressions can quietly close doors you didn’t even realize were open.

I say this with love (and a little side-eye) as someone who gets a fair number of DMs. Some start off so casually, I have to pause and think, “Wait… who is this? And what gave them the boldness to message me like we’ve been besties since undergrad?” When a message starts off that way, I’m immediately turned off from responding. But then I remind myself: they’ve probably been following my journey for years. They’ve seen my growth, my challenges. They feel like they know me. In some ways, they are part of the story—and I love that for them. That said, familiarity on your end doesn’t automatically mean we have a relationship.

That gap in perception is often where things go left, before you’ve even had a chance to show who you are or why you reached out.

If I had approached residents and attendings the way some students approach me now, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Respect matters. I  deeply value being approachable, but I also take seriously the responsibility of modeling what professionalism looks like in this space, especially as someone visible, whether I asked to be or not.

So consider this your gentle but honest PSA: your approach matters. Since I’m not one to just vent without a solution, let’s talk through some of the most common missteps of students reaching out, and how to fix them to get a better response next time.

First Things First:

You're Asking for Someone’s Time. They Owe You Nothing.

Let’s start here. When you message someone asking for advice, mentorship, or help, you’re asking for time, arguably the most limited resource most professionals have. So no, they don’t owe you a response. It’s not personal. People are busy. They’re not ignoring you out of spite. That said, some of y’all are making it really easy to ignore you. Let’s talk about red flags.

Red Flags That Might Be Why You Didn’t Get a Response:

1. You were overly casual.
“Hey Seun!”
I love that you feel comfortable, but let’s reel it in. Unless the person has explicitly told you to address them by their first name, default to “Dr. [Last Name].” Let them set the tone. It’s a small sign of respect for the degree they worked hard to earn.

2. You overstepped personal boundaries.
Just because someone shares aspects of their life online doesn’t mean you know them. Don’t assume you have access to their private life, relationships, or whereabouts just because you follow their stories. Social media ≠ consent to full access. Don’t be that person who brings up things they’ve never shared—or worse, things you dug up yourself. That’s weird.

3. You made an ask that wasn’t appropriate for the person.
Asking a soon-to-be intern for scholarship advice when that information is literally Google-able is not a good use of anyone’s time. It’s one thing to ask for mentorship on navigating medical school or specialty selection. It’s another to ask someone to spoon-feed you something you can find through a quick search or by checking their profile highlights. If someone has already posted resources or links, take the time to read them. That shows initiative, and it also frees up your actual question to be something more thoughtful and specific.

Bottom Line: If You’re Not Getting Help, Start With Your Approach

Before you complain that you “have no mentorship” or “no one wants to help,” pause and ask yourself: Is my approach a red flag? If the answer is yes, the fix is simple. Try adjusting your tone. Be clear, be respectful, and be intentional. You might be surprised by how much more open and generous people are when they feel respected from the jump.

You only get one first impression—so make it count.